Today I went to karate class like I usually do on Tuesday evenings. We practiced some basic moves and katas, and afterwards my classmates and I joked around with each other and practiced some drills on our own. There was a new guy that has been coming to class occasionally who has a pretty strong build, and I can see he probably has some previous fighting experience.

Anywho, I jokingly said to him and R, “why don’t you guys fight, I’ll watch!” Since after class we often just practice light fighting on our own, maybe review what was just learned in class, and for me it’s great to learn from watching seniors fight. I didn’t think twice about what I said, and it seemed like R was also ready to do some practice with him. To my surprise, this new guy had a very bizarre look on his face and said to me half seriously and half proudly, “Are you sure? You want me to fight? Do you want to see blood? Huh?”

Now I have to explain that I am a very visual person and that I associate every thought and memory with visual references, and often layer visual imagination with what I actually see through my eyes. When this guy said something about drawing blood from my beloved classmate R I could immediately see blood gushing out of R because of a light fighting practice after class with this guy. It may not have seemed like it from the outside, but I felt so disgusted, sad and angry because of what he said. If one understands even the most basic principals of martial arts and what it is to be a truly great fighter, he would never be so proud of himself just because he thinks he has the ability to threaten the life of another human being.

Granted I am definitely not the one who knows the most about martial arts or any kind of fighting, but since I started to learn karate I’ve met some pretty amazing fighters, karate or others, and none of them would even have the attitude that would accompany such conceited words. Now maybe this guy is a great street fighter, grew up in a ghetto and still fights for a living or for survival day in day out, honestly I don’t care. Just the fact that he was so proud of his ability to hurt his fellow classmate has made me lose all my respect for him, not that it matters to him, I figure.

He’d have to do something pretty big to earn back my respect, like, save a life.

Oh my my my, it’s been a month since I wrote the last post…what a month, I’m telling you, what a month.

First of all, Walt’s still not off his cast, which means that he’s using my bedroom (on the ground floor) and my computer all the time, which decreases my alone time, which led to my semi-breakdown about two weeks ago. Walt might argue otherwise but he’ll have to do it on his blog, not mine, hehe.

Anywho, I felt so awful for the first half of July, constantly going to places and taking care of things, cook breakfast, pack lunch, do dishes, go to work, go to karate, do grocery, cook dinner, do dishes, clean room, clean house, dump trash, go to hang outs…until one morning before I went to work, I just felt so tired all I wanted to do was to just take a deep breath and not think about the next thing I gotta do or next place I gotta be. At that time, I just finished reading the book Catching the Big Fish by David Lynch in which he talks about his films and meditation. I thought, I don’t care, I’m so late for work, but I really need some alone time for myself, even just 10 minutes. I went up to the other bedroom and shut the door, then sat on the bed with closed eyes. I tried to meditate, I didn’t really know how. Sitting there taking some deep breaths, there was a million things in my heads and I heard my “strong voice” telling me that I’d be okay in 10 minutes, I can handle everything. Then about 3 minutes later I had tears pouring down my cheeks, and all my “strong voice” became shells cracking on the surface of me. Then I heard something like a god voice, or something, telling me that I don’t need to be anything I’m actually not. I don’t need to pretend to be happy when I’m sad, I don’t need to pretend to be strong when I feel helpless,  I don’t need to be funny when I don’t have anything to say, I don’t need to smile if I actually feel like cursing, and I don’t need to pick up the dustbunnies at the corner if I feel like lying in bed instead of cleaning. I felt much better after that hideous and emotional 10 minutes, then I started to meditate whenever I can, especially on bart on the way to way or go home.

I’m sleepy, and go see the Batman: the Dark Knight, it is so very good, makes it onto my favorite 10 movies of all time.

I don’t know why, but I seem to have a tendency to show my bra or boobs when I don’t want to. The most embarrassing one was probably at my own wedding when my wedding dress bra paddings were peeking through the dress. My sister pulled me aside and told me about it, I adjusted them, but my strapless dress was so heavy that it kept slipping down and showing the bra paddings just by a bit. I really didn’t have energy to care about that when everyone wanted to talk to me. Then after the wedding I sure saw the bra paddings in a picture in which I was bending down to cut the cake.

I had a tremendous time at the karate event today. There was good food, good friends, good music, good kids, and I danced, and I forgot some of my moves that I was practicing for 9 hours yesterday, and I showed some of my bra through my tank top while I raised my arms for some of the moves, and I really don’t want to think about this any more and I really can’t stop thinking about this.

I showed my boobs while swimming one time, and another time wore a shirt that was way more transparent than I thought. Every time I do something like this, I think, there are so many other things that are in other people’s heads, and they sure are not thinking about my bra or my boobs, so I shouldn’t worry about this. I think it’s really because I’m so afraid of the cold that I’m wrapped under layers of clothes 95% of my life that I don’t really know how to dress in more revealing clothes and therefore make a fool of myself. But hey, when summer really comes, I will still wear whatever I like.

I’m so glad I’m married. It really helps keep my life simple, yet rich ^_^…

Tomorrow I’m going to a karate event in which I will belly dance. No you didn’t hear wrong, and that’s why this crazy world is so lovely. I would never take up karate if I had encountered a belly dancing instructor who cared about my progress and well being like my karate instructors and friends. And fate has it that I would practice belly dancing for a little bit, then have a chance to perform belly dancing in front of karate people.

Since I only did take a couple of classes here and there, and wasn’t very good to begin with, but I really don’t want to disappoint, so today, I practiced all the belly dancing movements that I can remember, from 10:00am -7:00pm. I bought a piece of belly dance music from iTunes that’s about 2.5 minutes, and even choreographed the dance, and practiced until dinner time. To be honest, when I woke up this morning I was still sore from last night’s karate practice, then I practiced the belly dance movements all day, then tomorrow I am going to practice karate again, and after karate I am going to dance in front of karate people. This is sheer madness! A physical activity madness!

But, I would like to thank god that I have a body that can dance, fight, eat, drink, sing, hear, see and feel all the beautiful things in the world.

Walt broke his right ankle the Saturday before last, when I was at the karate training. When I came back, he was crutching all over the place, hopping on one foot. This is when the one second really changes your life. If he had chose to land on his left foot instead of the right one the second that he fell from the bouldering wall in the gym, our life would be a bit more convenient because then he would be able to drive. But on the other hand, he could have landed on his neck twisted the wrong way, or on his lower back, then he would be in the hospital for a very very long time, then I would be going in and out of the hospital for a very very long time => absolutely no fun whatsoever! Thank god it didn’t happen that way ^~^!

Anywho, I took some time to study the driver’s hand book on DMV’s website, half dozing almost all the time, and went to take the test for instruction permit. There were quite a bit of questions that I wasn’t sure, but since I was a pretty well trained test machine back in Taiwan, I ended up with only three wrong answers, which meant that I got the permit to drive the car when there is another adult over 18 years of age sitting beside me and is able to take control of the vehicle when necessary.

Being able to drive has been something that I’ve been procrastinating to do for the longest time. After I know how to drive though, I think I will, at least in appearance, be like an adult. Really, being like an adult just means that there are several things you know how to do. One, keep a job. Two, keep a relationship. Three, drive. That’s it. Congratulations, you don’t need parents any more. But for some reason, this world with so many adults, is sometimes quite a mess.

Lately I’ve heard of a couple of other people’s secrets. They said, “don’t tell people,” or “don’t tell xyz.” I consider myself a pretty good secret keeper. The best way to keep a secret of others, and it is pretty easy, is to forget about it entirely. To cut off the thought of a particular secret is to cut off the road that it may travel to other places.

What is really hard, on the other hand, is to keep a secret of my own. Once a particular thought or action is declared a secret it is injected with its own life and can not wait to come out and live in this material reality. That’s why when we have a secret, we always want to realize it by telling it, singing it, writing it down or drawing it out. Oh but mind you, once you let your secret live and exist in the real world along side you, you will have to worry if it is traveling and where it is traveling to!

I don’t have any secrets most of the time, but when I do, the only place they can live is in my head.

Today is the third day since I came back from summer special training. I’m so thrilled that I can sleep ’til 8am again! During the training, we had to wake up at 4:45am to start doing all sorts of practices. Per our seniors’ order, I’m not going to talk about too much of the details here because people who weren’t there wouldn’t be able to understand it anyways. As for myself, I’ll always remember the practices so no need to elaborate.

I find that I have become a person with a slightly stronger will. For the past three days, whenever I had a doubt over something, I’d think “if I can wake up at crazy hours doing crazy exercises I can surely handle this,” whatever it concerns. Although I feel a bit stronger, I also have become a lot more emotional. I cried three times during the training. Once because I got punched in the face and it was sort of a physical reaction, the other time I was talking to another girl about girls being strong and utilize what we have instead of being frustrated about what we don’t have, and the third time was after the training was over and I was hugging my dojomates. I cry a lot, and after starting doing karate I cry even more *laugh*. I cry when I watch the movie Narnia:Prince Caspian, when I imagine Walt die, when I think of my family, when I finish fighting practice, when I watch the Oscar ceremony (I really get very touched by some of the “thank you” speeches), when I argue, when I listen to beautiful music, and a myriad of other occasions.

Now is the moment, to put my heart into the thing I’m doing, whatever it is.